Mamma, why are girls beautiful?

There is something about preschoolers, isn’t it? The questions fly quickly, sometimes too fast for a baffled mom to keep up; ‘Why shouldn’t children watch too much TV mamma. What is “too much” TV?’ ‘How did that building get so tall Mamma?’ ‘How does Santa know if we have been a good child or a bad one?’ and so on and so forth.

I recently read an old article about a story from France where a 52-year-old mother took parenting to different pinnacles. Wearing Converse boots, tight flashy jeans and excessive makeup, she impersonated as her 19-year-old daughter and tried to take the English exam on her behalf. She got away with this for whole 10 minutes! (* slow clap *).

I'm dismayed by parents who get disappointed when their children don't become engineers or doctors or whichever career they had wished for them. I also know that we all have aspirations for the kind of personality our children will become. We want them to be compassionate. We expect them to be intellectual. A sense of humor would be nice perhaps.

What triggered me to write this post however was a casual conversation between a few of my friends recently. I was mentioning to them about how my son is very curious and asks too many questions – which actually have answers. For instance “Why are girls beautiful mamma? Why should boys tell them that they are beautiful? (Well, yes! He has heard my husband compliment me several times). One of the lady from the group sarcastically remarked made an impolite and not-so-nice comment, “Really? Thank God, my son is “shareef” (a Hindi terminology for being naïve – and not daring to ask “such” questions). It had me thinking. Not that, the comment affects me in any way - I know my child, trust him and happy for what he is.  

When Ahaan was born, my husband and I contemplated what his traits will be. But we cared less about what he will be. However, to be honest what I was conscious about was – what if he is incurious? What if he doesn't want to explore what an alpine mountain looks like or what sun, moon and stars are made of? What if he remains obstinately uninterested in why skies are blue or where did Dinosaurs go? What if he regards all that "Why" and "How" as, principally futile? Yes, I do agree that sometimes too many questions to get exasperating, but I'd rather my son asked too many questions than too few?! The only thing worse than explaining you child about how babies are made would be a child who didn't even want to know?

But if Ahaan’s curiosity level is high, that doesn't imply it always will be. Curiosity is an impulsive quality, which increases and decreases throughout our life, depending on where we are, what we are doing and who we're with. This is both comforting and intimidating. Comforting because it turns out that we, as parents, play a big part in the development of our kids’ curiosity. Intimidating because doing so includes a constant and cognizant effort. I wonder why some parent discourage questions from their children? “Shhh... That’s not for your age”, “You’re too young to know that” or just “I don’t know!”

Luckily, my husband and I answer everything that our son asks us. The reason being that by the time children from curious families go to school, they have an edge on their peers. Having immersed themselves in more information from their parents and family, they obviously know more, which implies they find it easier to learn and absorb more. Parent play a pivotal role in early years of children in determining whether they will become curious youngsters and curious grownups.

Part of the magic of childhood is the capacity to get lost in the realms of discovery and imagination. Nurturing our children’s curiosity will only fortify our connection and help them grow.  I am glad for my son’s curiosity for it compels him to connect with the world, reach out and test its frontiers, discover where they end and everything else starts. 

I am still a parent in preparation - I don't know what constitutes the stars, or why Dinosaurs disappeared after the Big Bang. I'm not even sure I know why the sky is blue to be honest? But I do have some answers. So yes, Ahaan – It’s good to, once in a while,  tell a girl that she is beautiful. But say it only when you really mean it, my son. Just like your dad.

Happy Growing Up, My Curious George! Mamma is geared up with answers.

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Some lessons for you Son, while you're growing up!

Seemingly women  aren’t the only ones affected by gender disparity—we all are—and it is up to me to do everything I can to confront the continual cordon of pigeon-holes, prejudices and disproportion that society throws at kids right from when they are born. It is up to us to make sure that the teachings of feminism and gender equality (and all types of fairness, for that matter) are so intensely entrenched in our family’s core that they brim over gradually and persistently. There is no dearth of lists on feminist teachings for young girls, but while many things on these types of lists are unanimously pertinent, as a mom to a boy, I wanted to pen down a few things, I’d always want my son to remember while he grows up to be a “man”.

Dear Ahaan,

1.       Feminism does not imply “womanly”. It means egalitarianism. Equality beyond gender.

2.       Being a boy doesn’t imply you cannot be a feminist. Neither does liking cars and planes and action movies.

3.       It’s OKAY to cry. It always is. The phrase “you are crying like a girl” does not hold any meaning. Respect your emotions and let them out.

4.       Befriend girls. Conquer your shyness and reticence. I befriended boys and some of my best friends are boys. It doesn’t really matter.  

5.       Girls can like superheroes, cars and Transformers, just like boys can like princess stories, Dora and kitchen set. I will never feel embarrassed for gifting you a kitchen set on your 4^th birthday. Just goes to show you will be a caring man when you grow up.

6.       The expressions “like a man” and “like a girl” hold no real significance really.  Learn to snub them.

7.       Be resilient and sensitive; remember - the two are not discordant.

8.       Open doors for women. And also men, as a matter of fact. Not because of any chauvinist customs, but just because holding the door is thoughtful and respectful. It is just politeness. Similarly, push in your chair after meals and put the toilet seat down.

9.       “No” just means NO. Silence also means no. And “perhaps” also means no. Always remember that only “yes” means yes.

10.   Surround yourself with individuals who let you to be your best self. Be cautious of people who want to modify you.

11.   Always – Always remember this - Equal work justifies equal reimbursement; equal reimbursement necessitates equal work.

12.   Your sex does not describe you. Neither does your profession or the money in your bank nor your fancy car. Be compassionate and courageous, be a loyal friend and a hard worker and treat everyone with respect—those are the merits that will describe you.

13.   When you get married, your wife may or may not fix your last name after her first. Neither choice has anything to do with how much she loves you – Remember that and cherish it. Surnames do not love people. People love people.

14.   Don’t ever forget that there are more ways to support your family than monetarily.

15.   Being a stay-at-home parent is tougher than all the jobs in the world combined, irrespective of its lack of a remuneration.

16.   Contrary to the popular belief, always remember that men are capable of changing a nappy, making the bed, ironing the clothes, and tending to other household chores and child-raising activities.

17.   Don’t hesitate in apologizing. It is not a symbol of softness, but a valiant act of bravery and courage.

18.   Don’t ever take for granted the privileges you are blessed with—whether monetary, scholastic, cultural, social or otherwise

19.   Be thoughtful, compassionate, sensitive and empathetic.

20.   There may be differences between the two genders – a man and a woman—just like there are dissimilarities between all living beings. Remember, that’s a good thing! Avoid overanalyzing this. And don’t fear the differences; revel in them.

My dear son, these lessons, are meant for you - not essentially because I want to protect you, but just because they are important for equality, impartiality and respect. I have faith they can change the world—one step at a time.

My love for you, always.

Mom

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I am a Mom!

I am a Mamma.

I am a builder, exploring ways to build a magical wonderland full of forts and castles in 60 seconds with bowls, spoons, plates and a pan.

I am a Master Chef, taking orders on "the fly" in order to gratify a son who wants a bagel sandwich, then pizza, then chicken wings, then omelet, then fruit mix... and then nothing at all when he decides he’s "not hungry."

I am a diplomatic negotiator, strewing classic public breakdowns using any technique needed.

I am an addict, puffy eyes and twitching, looking for the nearest caffeine dose after a long night of constantly inspecting monsters under the bed and well, sometimes over it too.

I am a ninja, refining my talents of inaudibly escaping my son’s room after bedtime story.

I am a joker, performing bizarre tricks, jokes and dances at my son’s demand.

I am a law enforcement agent, struggling to impose rules while the guilty party attempts to escape from the scene of the crime.

I am a storyteller ( that’s the best part I guess), persistently creating convoluted tales about what how Santa manages to squeeze his fat tummy through a chimney or what the Tooth Fairy does with all of the teeth she collects?   Or how the Easter Bunny visits every child’s house without getting exhausted.

I am a fashion designer, crafting Superhero costumes, spiky hair n some days and matching shoes on the other.

I am a forensic expert, scrutinizing mysterious items/stains and trying to ascertain their source.

I am a singer, required to sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” with full lyrics on a daily basis. And then learn some more.

I am an abstract artist, attempting to find beauty in blobs of colors, scribbled stick figures.

I am an event manager, organizing frequent play dates with my son’s friends

I am a politician, compelled to exploit bribes, marketing and prolonged dialogues to persuade my son to do the simplest of tasks.

I am a Mamma.

So are you. Cherish it.

There is not just the second Sunday of May that can express, with fierce and undaunted honesty, the sacrifices made, body changes undergone, and uncertainties that obviously sneak in, about ever getting back to where you were, who you were, and what you were doing before becoming a mother -- all while concurrently cherishing your new designation. Its complex stuff, the grey areas of human emotion, and it is all carried with grace within this beautiful ballad.

Here’s to all doting moms, especially mine, on Mother’s Day – You are a Hero!

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The Balancing Act

My son shows me a whole new world of possibilities and aspirations. Photo : Taken in Lincoln City , Oregon US.

“Your husband is far off, you are working, you have a kid and a family to take care – how do you manage?

I get this question very often. Any mom can tell you that raising a child is tough job. From planning meals to telling bed time stories to finding time for yet another round of peekaboo, taking care of tiny tots, sure entails lots of verve (and time). As if it weren’t enough, add the continuous gig to the synthesis and you’ve got a Supermom who wears numerous hats! Balancing work and family can, irrefutably, be frantic, but it’s never short of laugh-out-loud- tales. Trust me on that!

My husband decided to study MBA from Oxford University. This was a tough decision for our family, but looking at the brighter prospective ahead, we decided to give it go signal. So, with a courageous heart I chose to be a single mom – and a working one too!

Technically, being a single mom is not for the faint hearted. Routine responsibilities for a solo parent are abundant: managing sleepless night, managing pick up and drops, homework etc. You’re on your own! At first, I was very apprehensive about how I will manage things.  But I did. So without spousal backup, how do people manage work commitments, life’s multiple curveballs and parenting responsibilities without getting lost in the hobble?

Here are some of my learning and words of wisdom.

Widen your concept of "right" and "wrong." It's rescuing to understand how many choices you have once you begin doing things your way. At times your child eats late as he waited for you to get back home? Great! Cherish the family dinner for you have company. Weekend means sleeping late, eating junk? Super Cool! Doing things the way they work best for your child and family wards the pressure off and makes everyone- happy! Stop feeling guilty and redefine what is right and wrong. Because no one other than you knows that. Period.

Understand that you’re giving in your best- Regardless of how devoted and skilled you are, you are still just one person - and you have undertaken a job that requires two people. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about things you are not able to do.  Remind your kids that you are a crew and have to help each other. Appreciate yourself for good work. I treat myself in a parlour! You will have to wait until your kids grow up to get credit from them. But don’t wait for it anyhow. Believe what you’re doing is best you can!

Plan ahead. If plan A does not work, there are 25 more alphabets. That way, when things contrary to Plan A (and unavoidably they will), you won’t feel like the whole ship is sinking.

“Me time” is important. We, as moms know best that a happy mommy makes a happy baby.  Indulge at times. Beyond work and family – you have a life too.

Embrace Simplicity. Rather than feeling mortified for taking the short route, understand how awesome you are! When I dress up Ahaan with whatever I have at home instead of investing the time to rent a costume for a fancy dress function at school, I feel super cool about my abilities to be creative.

Laugh out loud – Literally! Perfection is never humorous; in fact, it’s dull and lacks excitement. You want funny? Make mistakes – tons of them and enjoy narrate that story for years to come.

I don't think I could have ever  managed it without my mom and sister's support. They are the ones who have not just taught me how to be a mom, but also been the best ones themselves!

Parenting for me is being blessed for the incredible, humorous, extending moments when the world inflates beyond your house. It's falling in love with my son over and over again and also with myself as a mom, with the prospects, all in the hub of things seeming to crumble. Where things fall apart, new opportunities grow up. Isn’t that the best lesson for all of us moms? That under the debris, there are seeds of something much wilder and more beautiful than the outwardly concrete mountain would ever let you dream.

Did I tell you how much I enjoy being called “Ahaan ki Mummy”.

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Letter to the World - On my Son's First Day to School

Dear World,

My son begins his first day at school today. It's going to be unusual
and different to him for a while.
And I hope you would somewhat treat him mildly.
You see, until now, he's been king of the roost.
He's been boss of the yard.
I have constantly been around to fix his pains,
and to pacify his moods.

However from hereon-things will be different.

This morning, he's going to march down the road,
wave goodbye and begin his great escapade
that will doubtless consist of conflicts and heartbreak and distress.

To co-exist and live his life in the world, he will need
belief and affection and valor.

So, Dear World, I hope you would embrace him by his little hand
and explain him the lessons he will have to know. Teach him-but softly, if you can.
Teach him that for each crook there is a superman;
that for each twisted politician there is a devoted leader;
that for each foe there is a friend.
Teach him the miracles of books and show him a whole new world that they can open for him.

Provide him quiet time to wonder about the timeless secret of birds in the sky,
flowers on the distant hill and bees in the sun.
Teach him it is far more worthy to be unsuccessful than to be a cheater.

Teach him to have conviction in his own philosophies,
even if everybody else tells him he is wrong.
Teach him to trade his brawn and brains to the premier bidder,
without ever putting a value on his heart and soul.

Teach him to shut his ears to a wailing multitude...
and to stand and combat if he believes he's right.

Teach him softly, Dear World, but don't cosset him,
because fine steel is made through test of fire.

Dear World, I trust you.

I am giving you my heart and soul – My boy.

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And He Turns 2!

To My Dearest Son - Ahaan,

You are my rockstar and you turn two today! Your daddy and I can barely believe it. Your 2^nd year has been full of outstanding transformations for you, as this denotes the year that you grew up from a "baby" to a "child." As you arrive at the end of your 2^nd year on this earth, it is astounding to see how you have grown to be "you."

You have reached the stage in your life where I can no more confine you to overviews like "joyful," "shy or "peaceful" for the reason that you are a full and round boy. You are bursting of contradictions and distinctions. You are concurrently keen to gratify and extremely obstinate (just like your mom). You love helping your mom in the middle of her busy days, and have also comprehended the power of your favorite word - “no" and being adamant. You are both tranquil, observant, carefully watch what goes on around you, and untamed, opting to unleash and free at the drop of a hat. You are courageous, but still preserve that swift requirement for consolation and comforting words at even the slightest of wounds – “Mamma, Aaana hurrrt”. ‘Aaana’ is what you call yourself.

Here are some of your personality traits which I love about you -

Bright: I am astonished at how much you are familiar with at your age. You can count to 20 and till 10 (in Hindi). You also know ABCD very well. You pick up everything we say and repeat them with amusement and dexterity. You already know letters and their connected sounds (thanks to all those Phonics videos!). As and when you are lucky to find a pen or a pencil, you sketch abstract scrawls – even on Walls- and then spurt off lists of what those scribbles are--all of which really look like your fine art.  You also know most of the rhymes and ‘Johnny Johnny yes papa’ seems to be your favorite of the lot. You have started attending various Toddler classes like Tiny Tots and First Time Friends and enjoy most of them, discovering a new thing to learn each time.

Affectionate: The delight I feel when I hear you yell out for me, or your daddy, is inexpressible – “Mamma, I waaant dis” or “Daddy, come soon”. It’s all so magical as we never get tired to hear you say that. There is a glow in you and it nurtures when you share it with everyone who comes within your aura of love and warmth. You liberally give love, which is only just beginning to convert from open-mouthed greeting of kisses to crumpled up smacks. You incessantly pass on your “Hii Aaan-tee” and “Hi Un-kal “ ( uncle) to passing by people. They have no option but to respond back to you with love. You generously pass on your hugs to everyone and did I tell you how that makes it better for all of us?

Amusing: You have already started making your own funny stories, playing pranks on mamma all day long, and communicating your understanding of your humor. You have totally picked on your Daddy’s gene pool in this regard, as most of your humor revolves around catching mamma off guard, breaking down things, hopping, leaping, and jumping from things. Infact I am amazed at how you treat mamma’s tummy as a trampoline?!

Beautiful: This splendor and beauty is beyond just exterior beauty, although you have always had the capacity to attract people of all genders and age on their ways just by looking at them with a smile that steals their hearts. You own a smile that is nothing short of astonishing--it is the same smile I knew and noticed when I first saw you look at me: natural, pure, candid, and full of that metaphorical beam which words fail to explain. When you smile your bursting OF glee and purest smile, it is almost like a glance of a little heaven for us – your mommy and daddy. We pray that the world is kind to you, and you forever have that gift to unwrap a glimpse of heaven to those who see that beaming smile. That smile has almost saved me from so many of my life’s setbacks – more than you’d ever know.

In your 2^nd year, you have learned to run around, to chatter, to have fun, to abide by, to oppose, to count up, to scribble, to skip, to dress up ( yes, you already have color preferences and you never step out o your room without a smile and neat clothes!) , to request, to be grateful, to smack, to say sorry, to forgive and forget, and to pray ( I love the way you bow your head in the little Pooja corner of our house , just after your bath – pretending to recite mantras fro your Elmo book!) .

Although, mamma never says it often and infact frequently cribs about how you are a handful for her and also how you drive her nuts all day long. But, what mamma feels for you is pure and deep within her heart – for you are a part of her heartbeat and she loves you more than she has ever loved anyone/anything in this world. You also know, that the number of times Mamma yells at you through the day can never surpass the number of kisses she gives you while you are asleep.

Every day you discover more, and every day I am so thankful for the incredible gift I have been bestowed with, to see that development, growth and your upward learning graph, albeit it flies by all too rapidly. Every day you explore and learn, and every day we learn from you. For we grow, when we raise you.

Thank you, dear son. Daddy’s ‘Kucchu’ (as he lovingly calls you) and Mamma’s rock star. You add the ‘extra’ to our ordinary lives. Thank you for being – you.

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday, Son.

Love, Always and Forever

Mommy and Daddy.

Being A Mommy Suits Me

Off late, many of my friends have been telling me that “Mommyhood really suits you Manasi”. Does it really? Let me think...

Some odd 22 months have passed since I graduated to becoming a mother – that’s a gigantic, gleaming new designation that’s been prefixed to my name, must say, that as a around the clock mommy, it is the most demanding occupation I have ever had. What makes it more complex is that I feel an equivalent requirement to yet be a good wife, and not renounce my zeal for writing, photography and art. So how do these functions muddle up? Are they even intended to jumble?

I used to classify these responsibilities and divide them in a manner that felt like a planned formation to me. I try to invest all my energy to have a routine and planning in my life, and would tell myself when my son wakes up, “Okay, so now I am a Mom and must do what my baby wants” and then when my son is napping again and I am with me I’d tell myself , “Okay, now I’m a writer, and this is my time to invest in work, churning out words, reading etc ” or when I’m with my husband I’d tell myself , “Okay, so now I’m a wife and must do what my husband wants.”

After some time, I grew weary of this school of thought and performing my duties so mechanically for the reason that they can’t (and shouldn’t) be entirely categorized.  With this mode of thinking, my necessity  to generate as a writer would wind up getting perturbed and consecutively I would long away the time spent with my child, in anticipation of his next snooze so I could undertake my pending writing assignments.

I comprehended that every primary role I have, overlie and interlock together to shape the person I am at the moment. Now that I’ve had this clarification, it makes my life fairly simpler. I opt now to utilize my imagination to procure significant, innovative and fun ways to spend our times together. We build blocks, we play with ball, we read books, and we discover outside, we dance together on all sorts of Jawaani Item songs together. I now believe I am contented when I’m with my son and I don’t ever wish any time away from him, considering that after a few years, he’d be too busy with other things in his life to be spending quality time with his mother. I long for his grown days ahead, when he gets grown-up and we can do all types of school assignments, fun things together. However, I will miss these carefree days, when we can do all giggling and tickling and laugh about it, acting silly in public, making faces etc.

That said, now I no more gaze at the clock and breathe for his subsequent snooze time. I’ve distorted the strokes of creativity and mommyhood just by starting to love my time with my son and emphasizing on where my job as a mommy and as a writer traverses. At times I can begin an assignment when he’s wide awake and then conclude it when he’s sleeping. Eventually, his snooze time turns out to be my active work time. I constantly have a psychological listing of things I need to do when he slumbers and I try to do whatever  I can in that time frame.

Creativeness and mommyhood are not detached units. One does not devaluate from the other and there is no evaluating one by reducing the other. It is not about pilfering time for creativeness from being a mommy and vice versa. Creativeness suffuses mommyhood, and your mommyhood paints everything about your imagination.

Bear in mind, creativeness is a universal outlook to life. It is not simply about that cooking, drawing, knitting, writing etc. - it is about the manner in which you view things. It is about being broad minded to the escapades. It is about seeking new-fangled uses for old stuff. It is about suggesting resolutions to difficulties that do seem tough. It is about perceiving splendor and significance in the humdrum. Creativeness is about learning to express what comes to your heart and mind. It is about seeking and fostering prospects. It is about nourishing your spirit with what cultivates and about sharing with people who are close to you, effectively, nourishing them too. I guess this is what it means to raise kids, too.

I guess mommyhood actually suits me.

What do you think?

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