The Balancing Act

My son shows me a whole new world of possibilities and aspirations. Photo : Taken in Lincoln City , Oregon US.

“Your husband is far off, you are working, you have a kid and a family to take care – how do you manage?

I get this question very often. Any mom can tell you that raising a child is tough job. From planning meals to telling bed time stories to finding time for yet another round of peekaboo, taking care of tiny tots, sure entails lots of verve (and time). As if it weren’t enough, add the continuous gig to the synthesis and you’ve got a Supermom who wears numerous hats! Balancing work and family can, irrefutably, be frantic, but it’s never short of laugh-out-loud- tales. Trust me on that!

My husband decided to study MBA from Oxford University. This was a tough decision for our family, but looking at the brighter prospective ahead, we decided to give it go signal. So, with a courageous heart I chose to be a single mom – and a working one too!

Technically, being a single mom is not for the faint hearted. Routine responsibilities for a solo parent are abundant: managing sleepless night, managing pick up and drops, homework etc. You’re on your own! At first, I was very apprehensive about how I will manage things.  But I did. So without spousal backup, how do people manage work commitments, life’s multiple curveballs and parenting responsibilities without getting lost in the hobble?

Here are some of my learning and words of wisdom.

Widen your concept of "right" and "wrong." It's rescuing to understand how many choices you have once you begin doing things your way. At times your child eats late as he waited for you to get back home? Great! Cherish the family dinner for you have company. Weekend means sleeping late, eating junk? Super Cool! Doing things the way they work best for your child and family wards the pressure off and makes everyone- happy! Stop feeling guilty and redefine what is right and wrong. Because no one other than you knows that. Period.

Understand that you’re giving in your best- Regardless of how devoted and skilled you are, you are still just one person - and you have undertaken a job that requires two people. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about things you are not able to do.  Remind your kids that you are a crew and have to help each other. Appreciate yourself for good work. I treat myself in a parlour! You will have to wait until your kids grow up to get credit from them. But don’t wait for it anyhow. Believe what you’re doing is best you can!

Plan ahead. If plan A does not work, there are 25 more alphabets. That way, when things contrary to Plan A (and unavoidably they will), you won’t feel like the whole ship is sinking.

“Me time” is important. We, as moms know best that a happy mommy makes a happy baby.  Indulge at times. Beyond work and family – you have a life too.

Embrace Simplicity. Rather than feeling mortified for taking the short route, understand how awesome you are! When I dress up Ahaan with whatever I have at home instead of investing the time to rent a costume for a fancy dress function at school, I feel super cool about my abilities to be creative.

Laugh out loud – Literally! Perfection is never humorous; in fact, it’s dull and lacks excitement. You want funny? Make mistakes – tons of them and enjoy narrate that story for years to come.

I don't think I could have ever  managed it without my mom and sister's support. They are the ones who have not just taught me how to be a mom, but also been the best ones themselves!

Parenting for me is being blessed for the incredible, humorous, extending moments when the world inflates beyond your house. It's falling in love with my son over and over again and also with myself as a mom, with the prospects, all in the hub of things seeming to crumble. Where things fall apart, new opportunities grow up. Isn’t that the best lesson for all of us moms? That under the debris, there are seeds of something much wilder and more beautiful than the outwardly concrete mountain would ever let you dream.

Did I tell you how much I enjoy being called “Ahaan ki Mummy”.

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Dealing With A No Baby

Toddlers are incredible little people. They are learning and discovering at such a rapid pace that we- as parents - can hardly stay even with all the new words flying out of their vocabulary books. There’s a presumption that toddlers make use of their favorite “no” word more than any other word for the reason that it’s the one word they take notice of and perceive most frequently! 

This is exactly what’s happening with my 22 month old toddler. He seems to be going through a stage of saying “Naww” a large number of times and implementing a very divergent attitude to the world around him – most considerably towards me and my husband - his parents so to say. Last night I asked him, if he’d like to have some milk in his Sippy cup and he started to shake his head and say "Oh no no no no no no no."  - Yes, that is 7 no's one after the other for those of you counting.  I was in splits since it was adorable and surprising.

“No” is a miraculous word for my son. It is fundamentally his first way of brandishing some authority over us. By retorting “no!” he is making a choice and articulating his freedom. Since, my son has only recently explored and found out the influence of “no” , he takes it to extreme limits – at times, even declining something he evidently wants– “Do you want some chips?” “Naw!” “Are you sleepy?” “Naww” “Are you intelligent?” “Nawwww” “Do you want a spanking?” “Naww”– Just for the heck of it.

My son furthermore loves the impact that his musical ‘nawww’ has on us, particularly when it incites an outburst of annoyance, or, even better, a string of option of the kind he would never have dreamt of before he found out the power of “no”. What do you want for snacks– carrot?” “No!”, “pudding?” “No?”, “yoghurt?” “Nawww”.

So the question is – how do we deal with a No Baby afterall? Here’s what my take on this is - The primary thing to bear in mind is that the originality will soon subside, principally when they comprehend that saying “no” to everything ultimately bears out to be counterproductive. I usually strive to understand if my son is communicating a legitimate desire not to have or do something, or whether it is purely for outcome. When he says “nawww!” to any of his favorite activity, or declines a treat he loves, I now take them at his word. I hope he will consequently soon understand that “no” should be reserved for times when he actually means it, and that the thrill and dismay that it leads to isn’t in fact worth it.

Also, one thing to keep in mind is that “no!” is a blind alley – it fails to provide any optional strategy. So, if junior is playing once more with daddy’s fragile specs, rather than saying “No! “For the 100th time of the day, I use an optional activity (like playing with blocks which is his favorite) to divert him. Though, only limited to a few times, it does avert him from having a complete outburst of anger and tantrums, as it repels the situation for him instantaneously.        I usually try to follow up “no” with a rationalization as to why what he wants isn’t doable, or reasonable, and persuade him to make constructive choices instead of negative ones.  I feel as kids grow up, they will soon discover that this method is far more efficient in acquiring them what they really want.

Although I fail many times, but I also try to make certain that my son follows a steady schedule, for example that he eats something every two hours and takes his naps timely. This gives him a sense of constancy and protection and acts as a reassuring impact on him, managing his mutinous conduct to an extent.

Nonetheless, I’m no specialist. Being a first time mommy, I am a novice who is learning the tricks of the trade gradually as I am growing up as much with my son – as a mother. Some of these things mentioned above work for me, sometimes they don’t. But I felt it was worth sharing them, also inviting a few suggestions from any new mommy reading this post.

So what are your ideas to deal with a No Baby?

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Imperfect Love

I often wonder and realize that I am encircled by couples that are happily married, neck down deep in love. Syrupy sweet quotes are shared, inclusive with yearning glimpses and an affectionate brush of the other’s hand. They tender a non-thrashing pillar of support for each other’s endeavors. They share bizarre Facebook status updates about being “blessed” by the “greatest hubby/wifey in the world” etc. ( Oh Btw, I simply abhor that term ‘Hubby’- makes me feel repulsive)

Well, thankfully, my ‘husband’ and I are not that duo.

I have been married for 4 years and have known my husband as my childhood friend since longer than that I have known him since a long time now and now after heading rapidly towards old age, gray hairs, joint pains et al, I can pompously say that I do look forward to growing old with him now.

I’m going to be honest here. We are growing old. We argue. We criticize. We bicker. We just know which keys to twist and twist the hell out of them at times. We are basically an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond couple – Debra and Ray - devoid of the laughing track in the backdrop

It’s not alluring. It’s not ideal. It’s not perfect and infact it may not even be normal, but it’s - us. At times, I doubt, have I really settled in life? Am I just contented? Should I wish more?

And guess what - sometimes, I do seek more. Much more.

It’s human to pursue rosy dreams of perfect contentment. I would have loved moonlit walks on a beach, hand in hand, being pampered with roses everyday and told how beautiful I was and put on a podium each day. But that’s not my truth. One naughty 14 month old toddler son, several wakeful nights to tot up, piles of clothes to be folded, loads of toys to be kept back in the toybox several times a day, meals to be cooked, fed and cleaned thereafter, carpet to be cleaned, spill overs to be taken care of. Infact I also secretly wish that they come up with a vacuum cleaner I can ride on?! This is my reality.

Just when I feel I’ve reached the end of my patience and can’t bear it anymore, I’m hit with the luster of a brand new day, the smell of my morning tea, my son’s brightly lit smile first thing in the morning, or the way my husband plays soothing devotional songs first thing in the morning, the smell of incense stick - and I’m back in it again- rehabilitated- for the next few hours, at least.

Perfect contentment? Perhaps not.

He’s seen me at my ugliest best – He has seen my stretch marks shape and grow. I’ve witnessed his hairline slither and still seeing them turn gray. Our romantic getaways to a nearby coffee shop have been replaced by a smoothie and fries at Mc Donalds and regular grocery/diaper shoppings. I’ve mocked at his funny actions and candid pics (revealing them often on Facebook) and he’s laughed at me with my green monster looking facepack on and clicked my pics while I have been sleeping with my mouth wide open. It may not always be beautiful but we have a story, history, reminiscences, and an imperfect but wonderful life that we built- together.

He may not be my Prince Charming and I’m most likely not his Princess, but this man, he’s a wonderful husband and a great father. We both have abnormal sense of humor and love to laugh at our friends and everyone in general and also embarrass our son sometimes. On Fridays, devoid of friends and parties, we both relish enjoying a drink together alongwith some grilled sandwiches and a serial on the TV ( Yes, he loves watching them all) – We may not be perfect, but we remain convinced that we are perfect for each other and most of the times, that’s good enough.

Here is what my acumen says.

Life doesn’t always churn out the way you expect it to be. And that’s not essentially a bad thing at all.

Anshul, I may not be perfect and you may not be perfect - and that's perfectly fine. I love our imperfections as much as I love you.

Happy 4th Marriage Anniversary.

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Mine

For 9 months I marveled and thought - who is this being arriving, budding, turning and twisting, floating, swimming deep, deep inside me. Until on 2nd October: 3pm – you danced right into my life, into my heart from my womb. It’s like my heart walked right out of my belly. I wonder what being your mother means to me.

Being your mother connotes that I have had the prospect to experience loving somebody far more than I love myself or anyone else in this whole wide world. I have understood what it's like to go through elation and pain through somebody else's life. It has fetched me happiness and pride; your triumphs –like the first time you grasped my finger, your first smile, the first time you gave me a baby kiss, your first cooing, gurgle and all your tiny achievements touch me and delight me like no one else's can. Many days with you have also bought me a few tears and anguish at times, but it has made me learn how much patience I have. It has revealed to me the profundity, power, and supremacy of love.

Being your mother hasn't constantly been trouble-free, since the time you were conceived and I'm certain I've said or done things that might have made you upset several times. But no one has ever made me as contented as you do just by your smile and by showing your happy face to me each morning. No one has made me as pompous as you do just by being yourself. Nobody’s smile has ever soothed my heart like yours does; no one's laughter loads my heart with happiness as swiftly as yours can. No one's cuddles feel as lovable, and nobody’s dreams mean as much to me as yours do.

Being your mother means my heart is never alone. It wanders wherever you are. All my memoirs of sad times of the past, have phenomenally transformed into significant learnings or happy stories of my life; the happy times have become valuable wealth to relive time and again.

You are my own part; my own flesh and blood; you are mine and regardless of what happened in the past or what the future beholds, you are somebody I will forever accept, understand, believe, forgive, value, admire, and love unconditionally.

Being your mother denotes that I've been gifted one of life's biggest rewards:

“You” – My son.

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