Teaching my son how to fail

Recently the board results were announced in India and my social media updates have been brimming with the stories about all the winners – interviews with them and their families on how they achieved success. A 22 year old Delhi girl in India, has recently cracked the Union Public Service Commission exam in the first attempt and there have been tons of articles on “How to achieve success”. While, I appreciate and marvel these winning kids, but can’t help but think about the kids who did not do so well – the back-benchers, the less favorites, the average scorers? A child who secured 70% or lesser grades may have a better understanding of a few subjects than all and the ones who score 99% who may just be able to memorize well. But do we ever think like that?

Failure is agonizing. But it’s not as painful as watching your kid fail. It’s not just that parents are naturally automated to care about them. We surely want them to be successful, partially so they have a great life and partially because, honestly, their accomplishments echoes well on us.

I know of several parents ( in my own social circle) who go great lengths to make sure their child excels in everything – sport, studies, extra-curricular activities – almost everything! A mother I know has even beaten her child for not being able to write (at the age of 4+) because the mother’s life constantly revolves around competing with fellow kids.  That was an extreme case, but a common one with many parents I know, but I can’t help but wonder that as parents gradually navigate their kids’ lives so that they evade failure, those kids lose a significant life skill, and one they will certainly require later: how to discover the courage and inspiration to recoup and get up again. So how do you help your children fail, or rather, how do you help your children cope with failure?

I noticed a few months ago that my 5 year old son was getting very used to things going his way - and devoid of adequate effort on his part. There were some sulky moments even when I cycled home faster than him. Other days, it was some other form of a race, which he would be losing. Some of this is age, some of this is situation, and some of it may just be fluke. As much as I love seeing him prosper and thrive in all he attempts, I became a little anxious at times. He was getting very smug and blasé about various accomplishments. He had started to develop a bit of an overfed ego. He evidently needed bigger challenges. As it occurred, I had a frequently arranged meeting with his kindergarten teacher, and brought this up. She told me that boys, in general have this “urge to win” more than girls (driven by her years of experience with children). We decided that challenging my son a little more in some other areas would be apposite - that possibly having to work a little harder in few other areas could help his complete outlook. While we would never set him up to fail deliberately, if, in these bigger challenges, he failed in some way, it possibly would be a "good" thing - good for him to comprehend that one can't always get what they want, good for him to have to attempt a little harder to be successful, and good for him to value the successes he has had - and we would let it to happen rather than intrude.

We worked on ways for him to deal with this constant pressure of winning. To my surprise, his teacher recently informed me how when other kids in the kindergarten were instigating each other about how they came “first in drinking water”, when my son coolly retorts – “Okay! Ich genieße mein Wasser” (its fine. I am enjoying my water”). Made me smile a bit.  Getting kids to cast themselves in their own story helps kids remember what they contemplate success and prompts them what their goals are. We don’t want to be victims in the narrative. We don’t even want to be heroes in a narratives.  We want to be the writer of the story. And we can’t do that lest we own the story and dig into it.

Childhood drifts away rapidly. We do our children a huge disfavor when we don’t provide them with the sensitive, psychological and physical liberty to simply be kids; prospective grown-ups with training wheels. Several children today are growing up feeling the persistent force to excel. No wonder that by the time many are in their teenage years, they choose to give up on sports all together rather than risk the humiliating verdict of over bearing, insecure and self-doubting parents who need to prove themselves through their children. Which is why as parents we need to motivate our children to play for the sake of playing and learn for the sake of learning, not for the sake of the applause it may bring along.

I believe that the most prosperous grown-ups are seldom those whose childhoods were one long twine of triumphs, awards and highest scores. Rather they’re people who’ve had their share of failures, wounds and combats along their trail to adulthood. They’ve discovered that failure is an experience not a person, have put up the gravel and self-assurance to follow aspiring goals that motivate them. They are sure competitive and play to win, but results don’t define them. Their scores don’t define them. They define themselves.

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Some lessons for you Son, while you're growing up!

Seemingly women  aren’t the only ones affected by gender disparity—we all are—and it is up to me to do everything I can to confront the continual cordon of pigeon-holes, prejudices and disproportion that society throws at kids right from when they are born. It is up to us to make sure that the teachings of feminism and gender equality (and all types of fairness, for that matter) are so intensely entrenched in our family’s core that they brim over gradually and persistently. There is no dearth of lists on feminist teachings for young girls, but while many things on these types of lists are unanimously pertinent, as a mom to a boy, I wanted to pen down a few things, I’d always want my son to remember while he grows up to be a “man”.

Dear Ahaan,

1.       Feminism does not imply “womanly”. It means egalitarianism. Equality beyond gender.

2.       Being a boy doesn’t imply you cannot be a feminist. Neither does liking cars and planes and action movies.

3.       It’s OKAY to cry. It always is. The phrase “you are crying like a girl” does not hold any meaning. Respect your emotions and let them out.

4.       Befriend girls. Conquer your shyness and reticence. I befriended boys and some of my best friends are boys. It doesn’t really matter.  

5.       Girls can like superheroes, cars and Transformers, just like boys can like princess stories, Dora and kitchen set. I will never feel embarrassed for gifting you a kitchen set on your 4^th birthday. Just goes to show you will be a caring man when you grow up.

6.       The expressions “like a man” and “like a girl” hold no real significance really.  Learn to snub them.

7.       Be resilient and sensitive; remember - the two are not discordant.

8.       Open doors for women. And also men, as a matter of fact. Not because of any chauvinist customs, but just because holding the door is thoughtful and respectful. It is just politeness. Similarly, push in your chair after meals and put the toilet seat down.

9.       “No” just means NO. Silence also means no. And “perhaps” also means no. Always remember that only “yes” means yes.

10.   Surround yourself with individuals who let you to be your best self. Be cautious of people who want to modify you.

11.   Always – Always remember this - Equal work justifies equal reimbursement; equal reimbursement necessitates equal work.

12.   Your sex does not describe you. Neither does your profession or the money in your bank nor your fancy car. Be compassionate and courageous, be a loyal friend and a hard worker and treat everyone with respect—those are the merits that will describe you.

13.   When you get married, your wife may or may not fix your last name after her first. Neither choice has anything to do with how much she loves you – Remember that and cherish it. Surnames do not love people. People love people.

14.   Don’t ever forget that there are more ways to support your family than monetarily.

15.   Being a stay-at-home parent is tougher than all the jobs in the world combined, irrespective of its lack of a remuneration.

16.   Contrary to the popular belief, always remember that men are capable of changing a nappy, making the bed, ironing the clothes, and tending to other household chores and child-raising activities.

17.   Don’t hesitate in apologizing. It is not a symbol of softness, but a valiant act of bravery and courage.

18.   Don’t ever take for granted the privileges you are blessed with—whether monetary, scholastic, cultural, social or otherwise

19.   Be thoughtful, compassionate, sensitive and empathetic.

20.   There may be differences between the two genders – a man and a woman—just like there are dissimilarities between all living beings. Remember, that’s a good thing! Avoid overanalyzing this. And don’t fear the differences; revel in them.

My dear son, these lessons, are meant for you - not essentially because I want to protect you, but just because they are important for equality, impartiality and respect. I have faith they can change the world—one step at a time.

My love for you, always.

Mom

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