Teaching my son how to fail

Recently the board results were announced in India and my social media updates have been brimming with the stories about all the winners – interviews with them and their families on how they achieved success. A 22 year old Delhi girl in India, has recently cracked the Union Public Service Commission exam in the first attempt and there have been tons of articles on “How to achieve success”. While, I appreciate and marvel these winning kids, but can’t help but think about the kids who did not do so well – the back-benchers, the less favorites, the average scorers? A child who secured 70% or lesser grades may have a better understanding of a few subjects than all and the ones who score 99% who may just be able to memorize well. But do we ever think like that?

Failure is agonizing. But it’s not as painful as watching your kid fail. It’s not just that parents are naturally automated to care about them. We surely want them to be successful, partially so they have a great life and partially because, honestly, their accomplishments echoes well on us.

I know of several parents ( in my own social circle) who go great lengths to make sure their child excels in everything – sport, studies, extra-curricular activities – almost everything! A mother I know has even beaten her child for not being able to write (at the age of 4+) because the mother’s life constantly revolves around competing with fellow kids.  That was an extreme case, but a common one with many parents I know, but I can’t help but wonder that as parents gradually navigate their kids’ lives so that they evade failure, those kids lose a significant life skill, and one they will certainly require later: how to discover the courage and inspiration to recoup and get up again. So how do you help your children fail, or rather, how do you help your children cope with failure?

I noticed a few months ago that my 5 year old son was getting very used to things going his way - and devoid of adequate effort on his part. There were some sulky moments even when I cycled home faster than him. Other days, it was some other form of a race, which he would be losing. Some of this is age, some of this is situation, and some of it may just be fluke. As much as I love seeing him prosper and thrive in all he attempts, I became a little anxious at times. He was getting very smug and blasé about various accomplishments. He had started to develop a bit of an overfed ego. He evidently needed bigger challenges. As it occurred, I had a frequently arranged meeting with his kindergarten teacher, and brought this up. She told me that boys, in general have this “urge to win” more than girls (driven by her years of experience with children). We decided that challenging my son a little more in some other areas would be apposite - that possibly having to work a little harder in few other areas could help his complete outlook. While we would never set him up to fail deliberately, if, in these bigger challenges, he failed in some way, it possibly would be a "good" thing - good for him to comprehend that one can't always get what they want, good for him to have to attempt a little harder to be successful, and good for him to value the successes he has had - and we would let it to happen rather than intrude.

We worked on ways for him to deal with this constant pressure of winning. To my surprise, his teacher recently informed me how when other kids in the kindergarten were instigating each other about how they came “first in drinking water”, when my son coolly retorts – “Okay! Ich genieße mein Wasser” (its fine. I am enjoying my water”). Made me smile a bit.  Getting kids to cast themselves in their own story helps kids remember what they contemplate success and prompts them what their goals are. We don’t want to be victims in the narrative. We don’t even want to be heroes in a narratives.  We want to be the writer of the story. And we can’t do that lest we own the story and dig into it.

Childhood drifts away rapidly. We do our children a huge disfavor when we don’t provide them with the sensitive, psychological and physical liberty to simply be kids; prospective grown-ups with training wheels. Several children today are growing up feeling the persistent force to excel. No wonder that by the time many are in their teenage years, they choose to give up on sports all together rather than risk the humiliating verdict of over bearing, insecure and self-doubting parents who need to prove themselves through their children. Which is why as parents we need to motivate our children to play for the sake of playing and learn for the sake of learning, not for the sake of the applause it may bring along.

I believe that the most prosperous grown-ups are seldom those whose childhoods were one long twine of triumphs, awards and highest scores. Rather they’re people who’ve had their share of failures, wounds and combats along their trail to adulthood. They’ve discovered that failure is an experience not a person, have put up the gravel and self-assurance to follow aspiring goals that motivate them. They are sure competitive and play to win, but results don’t define them. Their scores don’t define them. They define themselves.

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Mamma, why are girls beautiful?

There is something about preschoolers, isn’t it? The questions fly quickly, sometimes too fast for a baffled mom to keep up; ‘Why shouldn’t children watch too much TV mamma. What is “too much” TV?’ ‘How did that building get so tall Mamma?’ ‘How does Santa know if we have been a good child or a bad one?’ and so on and so forth.

I recently read an old article about a story from France where a 52-year-old mother took parenting to different pinnacles. Wearing Converse boots, tight flashy jeans and excessive makeup, she impersonated as her 19-year-old daughter and tried to take the English exam on her behalf. She got away with this for whole 10 minutes! (* slow clap *).

I'm dismayed by parents who get disappointed when their children don't become engineers or doctors or whichever career they had wished for them. I also know that we all have aspirations for the kind of personality our children will become. We want them to be compassionate. We expect them to be intellectual. A sense of humor would be nice perhaps.

What triggered me to write this post however was a casual conversation between a few of my friends recently. I was mentioning to them about how my son is very curious and asks too many questions – which actually have answers. For instance “Why are girls beautiful mamma? Why should boys tell them that they are beautiful? (Well, yes! He has heard my husband compliment me several times). One of the lady from the group sarcastically remarked made an impolite and not-so-nice comment, “Really? Thank God, my son is “shareef” (a Hindi terminology for being naïve – and not daring to ask “such” questions). It had me thinking. Not that, the comment affects me in any way - I know my child, trust him and happy for what he is.  

When Ahaan was born, my husband and I contemplated what his traits will be. But we cared less about what he will be. However, to be honest what I was conscious about was – what if he is incurious? What if he doesn't want to explore what an alpine mountain looks like or what sun, moon and stars are made of? What if he remains obstinately uninterested in why skies are blue or where did Dinosaurs go? What if he regards all that "Why" and "How" as, principally futile? Yes, I do agree that sometimes too many questions to get exasperating, but I'd rather my son asked too many questions than too few?! The only thing worse than explaining you child about how babies are made would be a child who didn't even want to know?

But if Ahaan’s curiosity level is high, that doesn't imply it always will be. Curiosity is an impulsive quality, which increases and decreases throughout our life, depending on where we are, what we are doing and who we're with. This is both comforting and intimidating. Comforting because it turns out that we, as parents, play a big part in the development of our kids’ curiosity. Intimidating because doing so includes a constant and cognizant effort. I wonder why some parent discourage questions from their children? “Shhh... That’s not for your age”, “You’re too young to know that” or just “I don’t know!”

Luckily, my husband and I answer everything that our son asks us. The reason being that by the time children from curious families go to school, they have an edge on their peers. Having immersed themselves in more information from their parents and family, they obviously know more, which implies they find it easier to learn and absorb more. Parent play a pivotal role in early years of children in determining whether they will become curious youngsters and curious grownups.

Part of the magic of childhood is the capacity to get lost in the realms of discovery and imagination. Nurturing our children’s curiosity will only fortify our connection and help them grow.  I am glad for my son’s curiosity for it compels him to connect with the world, reach out and test its frontiers, discover where they end and everything else starts. 

I am still a parent in preparation - I don't know what constitutes the stars, or why Dinosaurs disappeared after the Big Bang. I'm not even sure I know why the sky is blue to be honest? But I do have some answers. So yes, Ahaan – It’s good to, once in a while,  tell a girl that she is beautiful. But say it only when you really mean it, my son. Just like your dad.

Happy Growing Up, My Curious George! Mamma is geared up with answers.

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Some lessons for you Son, while you're growing up!

Seemingly women  aren’t the only ones affected by gender disparity—we all are—and it is up to me to do everything I can to confront the continual cordon of pigeon-holes, prejudices and disproportion that society throws at kids right from when they are born. It is up to us to make sure that the teachings of feminism and gender equality (and all types of fairness, for that matter) are so intensely entrenched in our family’s core that they brim over gradually and persistently. There is no dearth of lists on feminist teachings for young girls, but while many things on these types of lists are unanimously pertinent, as a mom to a boy, I wanted to pen down a few things, I’d always want my son to remember while he grows up to be a “man”.

Dear Ahaan,

1.       Feminism does not imply “womanly”. It means egalitarianism. Equality beyond gender.

2.       Being a boy doesn’t imply you cannot be a feminist. Neither does liking cars and planes and action movies.

3.       It’s OKAY to cry. It always is. The phrase “you are crying like a girl” does not hold any meaning. Respect your emotions and let them out.

4.       Befriend girls. Conquer your shyness and reticence. I befriended boys and some of my best friends are boys. It doesn’t really matter.  

5.       Girls can like superheroes, cars and Transformers, just like boys can like princess stories, Dora and kitchen set. I will never feel embarrassed for gifting you a kitchen set on your 4^th birthday. Just goes to show you will be a caring man when you grow up.

6.       The expressions “like a man” and “like a girl” hold no real significance really.  Learn to snub them.

7.       Be resilient and sensitive; remember - the two are not discordant.

8.       Open doors for women. And also men, as a matter of fact. Not because of any chauvinist customs, but just because holding the door is thoughtful and respectful. It is just politeness. Similarly, push in your chair after meals and put the toilet seat down.

9.       “No” just means NO. Silence also means no. And “perhaps” also means no. Always remember that only “yes” means yes.

10.   Surround yourself with individuals who let you to be your best self. Be cautious of people who want to modify you.

11.   Always – Always remember this - Equal work justifies equal reimbursement; equal reimbursement necessitates equal work.

12.   Your sex does not describe you. Neither does your profession or the money in your bank nor your fancy car. Be compassionate and courageous, be a loyal friend and a hard worker and treat everyone with respect—those are the merits that will describe you.

13.   When you get married, your wife may or may not fix your last name after her first. Neither choice has anything to do with how much she loves you – Remember that and cherish it. Surnames do not love people. People love people.

14.   Don’t ever forget that there are more ways to support your family than monetarily.

15.   Being a stay-at-home parent is tougher than all the jobs in the world combined, irrespective of its lack of a remuneration.

16.   Contrary to the popular belief, always remember that men are capable of changing a nappy, making the bed, ironing the clothes, and tending to other household chores and child-raising activities.

17.   Don’t hesitate in apologizing. It is not a symbol of softness, but a valiant act of bravery and courage.

18.   Don’t ever take for granted the privileges you are blessed with—whether monetary, scholastic, cultural, social or otherwise

19.   Be thoughtful, compassionate, sensitive and empathetic.

20.   There may be differences between the two genders – a man and a woman—just like there are dissimilarities between all living beings. Remember, that’s a good thing! Avoid overanalyzing this. And don’t fear the differences; revel in them.

My dear son, these lessons, are meant for you - not essentially because I want to protect you, but just because they are important for equality, impartiality and respect. I have faith they can change the world—one step at a time.

My love for you, always.

Mom

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I am a Mom!

I am a Mamma.

I am a builder, exploring ways to build a magical wonderland full of forts and castles in 60 seconds with bowls, spoons, plates and a pan.

I am a Master Chef, taking orders on "the fly" in order to gratify a son who wants a bagel sandwich, then pizza, then chicken wings, then omelet, then fruit mix... and then nothing at all when he decides he’s "not hungry."

I am a diplomatic negotiator, strewing classic public breakdowns using any technique needed.

I am an addict, puffy eyes and twitching, looking for the nearest caffeine dose after a long night of constantly inspecting monsters under the bed and well, sometimes over it too.

I am a ninja, refining my talents of inaudibly escaping my son’s room after bedtime story.

I am a joker, performing bizarre tricks, jokes and dances at my son’s demand.

I am a law enforcement agent, struggling to impose rules while the guilty party attempts to escape from the scene of the crime.

I am a storyteller ( that’s the best part I guess), persistently creating convoluted tales about what how Santa manages to squeeze his fat tummy through a chimney or what the Tooth Fairy does with all of the teeth she collects?   Or how the Easter Bunny visits every child’s house without getting exhausted.

I am a fashion designer, crafting Superhero costumes, spiky hair n some days and matching shoes on the other.

I am a forensic expert, scrutinizing mysterious items/stains and trying to ascertain their source.

I am a singer, required to sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” with full lyrics on a daily basis. And then learn some more.

I am an abstract artist, attempting to find beauty in blobs of colors, scribbled stick figures.

I am an event manager, organizing frequent play dates with my son’s friends

I am a politician, compelled to exploit bribes, marketing and prolonged dialogues to persuade my son to do the simplest of tasks.

I am a Mamma.

So are you. Cherish it.

There is not just the second Sunday of May that can express, with fierce and undaunted honesty, the sacrifices made, body changes undergone, and uncertainties that obviously sneak in, about ever getting back to where you were, who you were, and what you were doing before becoming a mother -- all while concurrently cherishing your new designation. Its complex stuff, the grey areas of human emotion, and it is all carried with grace within this beautiful ballad.

Here’s to all doting moms, especially mine, on Mother’s Day – You are a Hero!

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Life Lessons by a 4 year old : What kids teach us

How many days a week do you feel like life is just too complicated – Be honest? I guess even if it isn't, it doesn't take us long to make things complicated by our own free will. We human beings just have this inherent capacity to ramp up everything to the next level.  

For the past few months, I have been a stay at home mom – yet again. I do miss my working days, but spending time with my son seems like a big consolation prize for this trade off. Some days have been overwhelming in fact – settling in a new place – a new country with no knowledge of their language. It’s natural to feel lost at times. However, I have my son – to teach me simple things about life.

Don’t we teach our children everything we can think of? From tying shoelaces to crossing the road safely to ride a bike or not to talk to strangers. But have you ever pondered on the ways our children inspire us? Here are some, that I could think of – even if you try one per week, it will be a good start – trust me on that.

Start Afresh!

Do you recall that wonderful feeling at the end of a term at school or the summer break – didn't it always feel so final, so finished? The holidays between May and July seemed like a lifetime. Because when we are young, each day feels like an infinity and a new day means new prospects to make new friends, discover new adventures, learn new things. Children don't carry baggage from one day to the next. They start fresh, always. My son has been made to first leave his friends in US and then in India. But he seems to have no qualms. He already has a “BFF” here in Germany. See? It’s easy to always start afresh.

Creative quests are fun

How often do you see children losing themselves in a creative project for hours at a time? My son spends hours in drawing, coloring, building his garden of dinosaurs, constructing a sandcastle in the play area with scrupulous attention to detail. I wonder why, for some odd reason, as we get older, we stop seeing creative activities as worthy? How many of you, leaving aside if you are an artist, draw regularly – or sometimes maybe? How many of you play with clay or finger paint just for the fun of it? How many of you pursue your hobby? I recently began my buried love for painting.

Be brave

My son sings out loud when he wants to. He dances when he feels like. I guess his life feels unbounded. This is because unlike us, children are not confined by fears of failure or embarrassment. They march forward with confidence and fortitude because they don't know any better. They haven't been beaten down, they haven't undergone failure. They embrace life and all it has to offer with open arms.

Laugh – a lot!

My son laughs – and laughs a lot. He tells me a funny story and expects me to laugh with him. But he doesn’t care, even if I don’t. He can laugh on the same joke a million times saying “Mamma it’s so funny!” .Children have the beautiful gift of finding joy all around them. I mean, as adults what is it that you would find funny in a smashed cupcake or hide and seek game every night before you go to bed? They see madness everywhere. And I guess it’s better to be mad sometimes – or perhaps always?

Cherish friendship

Like I mentioned earlier, my son spent only 2 and a half years in USA, but he made lots of friends whom he misses even now. Then he made new friends in India, after which we moved to Germany. While he misses his friends, but it took him just a month here to make new friends. He hasn’t even started school yet. Children find true joy while playing with friends and they love making new ones. They join football teams, go to a birthday parties, and start new schools. These are all ways that children make new friends. They adhere to the motto, "the more the merrier," and adults should, as well.

Be the hero

Have you ever noticed that when a kid tells you a story about his school or a conversation with his friend, or the play area, they are usually the hero of their story? Seems like the entire world revolves around them. As we grow old, we don't want to be snobbish or egocentric, so we often modulate our accomplishments and successes. We don't want to boast. At least some of us don’t want to? But in doing so, we often slip to the side of self-disapproval. We put ourselves down to make others feel better or to be more relatable. Humility becomes an admirable trait and we start to persuade ourselves of our own mediocrity. Learn from the wisdom of a child. Be the hero of your story.

Scars are symbols of honor    

Remember, when we were children and broke a bone, everyone we knew signed the cast? We become the superstar of the class – or better put - the “survivor”. I notice the same with children today also. If they fall down and cut themselves, everyone wants to see the scar, they wear it pompously. As we age, we hide our scars, our injuries (and I am not referring to physical wounds) become our secrets. We are scared to be seen as feeble or commiserated, so we tell no one where it hurts and how much it hurts. However, what I learn from my own son is to recognize is that scars aren't signs of weakness, a scar is in fact a sign of strength and survival – utmost endurance. A story to tell. An achievement.

Try new things

Children are never afraid to play a sport they have never tried before. They will jump on a trampoline, dive into a pool or ski down a mountain even if it is alien to them. As grown-ups, we fear the unknown. We stay securely entrenched in our comfort zone and seldom venture out. Adventure stimulates us and awakens the spirit. Sky diving and bungee jumping still remain to be on my bucket list, thus.

Observe and cherish the little things

My nephew loves watching the waves of the sea run back and forth at the water's edge. He notices how fast his feet get buried in the sand, as the water moves along the sand. Something simple that we take for granted brings him immense joy and he could spend hours playing with those waves. Ever wondered how and when did we stop noticing the petite miracles that surround us daily?

A trek in the woods overpowers the iPad any day!  

The latest gadgets and video games simply cannot replace the natural visuals, the full-sensory experience, or the relationship of a family walk through the forests. Never have, never will. And for that matter, nothing else produced on television can compete either. So turn off that 42 inch LED TV. Go outside. Live life, don’t just watch it on your little iPad.

Maybe children are in this world because we as grown-ups have so much left to unlearn and relearn.

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The Balancing Act

My son shows me a whole new world of possibilities and aspirations. Photo : Taken in Lincoln City , Oregon US.

“Your husband is far off, you are working, you have a kid and a family to take care – how do you manage?

I get this question very often. Any mom can tell you that raising a child is tough job. From planning meals to telling bed time stories to finding time for yet another round of peekaboo, taking care of tiny tots, sure entails lots of verve (and time). As if it weren’t enough, add the continuous gig to the synthesis and you’ve got a Supermom who wears numerous hats! Balancing work and family can, irrefutably, be frantic, but it’s never short of laugh-out-loud- tales. Trust me on that!

My husband decided to study MBA from Oxford University. This was a tough decision for our family, but looking at the brighter prospective ahead, we decided to give it go signal. So, with a courageous heart I chose to be a single mom – and a working one too!

Technically, being a single mom is not for the faint hearted. Routine responsibilities for a solo parent are abundant: managing sleepless night, managing pick up and drops, homework etc. You’re on your own! At first, I was very apprehensive about how I will manage things.  But I did. So without spousal backup, how do people manage work commitments, life’s multiple curveballs and parenting responsibilities without getting lost in the hobble?

Here are some of my learning and words of wisdom.

Widen your concept of "right" and "wrong." It's rescuing to understand how many choices you have once you begin doing things your way. At times your child eats late as he waited for you to get back home? Great! Cherish the family dinner for you have company. Weekend means sleeping late, eating junk? Super Cool! Doing things the way they work best for your child and family wards the pressure off and makes everyone- happy! Stop feeling guilty and redefine what is right and wrong. Because no one other than you knows that. Period.

Understand that you’re giving in your best- Regardless of how devoted and skilled you are, you are still just one person - and you have undertaken a job that requires two people. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about things you are not able to do.  Remind your kids that you are a crew and have to help each other. Appreciate yourself for good work. I treat myself in a parlour! You will have to wait until your kids grow up to get credit from them. But don’t wait for it anyhow. Believe what you’re doing is best you can!

Plan ahead. If plan A does not work, there are 25 more alphabets. That way, when things contrary to Plan A (and unavoidably they will), you won’t feel like the whole ship is sinking.

“Me time” is important. We, as moms know best that a happy mommy makes a happy baby.  Indulge at times. Beyond work and family – you have a life too.

Embrace Simplicity. Rather than feeling mortified for taking the short route, understand how awesome you are! When I dress up Ahaan with whatever I have at home instead of investing the time to rent a costume for a fancy dress function at school, I feel super cool about my abilities to be creative.

Laugh out loud – Literally! Perfection is never humorous; in fact, it’s dull and lacks excitement. You want funny? Make mistakes – tons of them and enjoy narrate that story for years to come.

I don't think I could have ever  managed it without my mom and sister's support. They are the ones who have not just taught me how to be a mom, but also been the best ones themselves!

Parenting for me is being blessed for the incredible, humorous, extending moments when the world inflates beyond your house. It's falling in love with my son over and over again and also with myself as a mom, with the prospects, all in the hub of things seeming to crumble. Where things fall apart, new opportunities grow up. Isn’t that the best lesson for all of us moms? That under the debris, there are seeds of something much wilder and more beautiful than the outwardly concrete mountain would ever let you dream.

Did I tell you how much I enjoy being called “Ahaan ki Mummy”.

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Why aren't we all the same color Mamma?

United Color of Benetton's Campaign against color racism 

A few days ago, while I was working, my 3-year old son, Ahaan, appeared from near my elbow. A little while ago I had settled him with his coloring book and asked him to color the skin color of a little boy in a light peach color. It looked to me like he had been doing some thinking. He had a strange question mark on his face.  This was followed by a toothy smirk. A delightful grin.  I felt something was on his mind, for which he needed immediate solution for. We know profound questions from 3-year olds don't wait for suitable moments. Therefore kids must bring their questions to administering adult.

"Mamma, I want to ask you something."

"Yes, Ahaan -  ask," I inevitably mouthed as the e-mails I was responding to continued to detain my full attention.

"Mama," the inspired little voice chipped. "Why are some people dark and some fair. Why aren’t all people have the same skin color?"

Through the intense focus on my exhaustively boring e-mails, I could hear the distinctive ring of acuity springing from a child at elbow height. It's almost felt like someone in another world is trying to awaken you to reality. A few days back I recall reprimanding Ahaan for not letting our new ( dark skinned ) maid do any of his work, because he felt she was too dark and had probably not washed her hands.

"Ahaan, my boy, I guess you have solved the global racism problem with that statement," I said to him with a sigh.

However, I could only stop and smile. That was it! The sheer sardonicism of racism by skin color: Don’t we all have the same color deep down? We just have to find it. This topic has been very close to my heart and in a volatile way. The Indian matrimonial ads which seek “fair skinned bride” or the hoax of “Fair and Lovely “ creams – “jo 10 din main gora bana de”.  Color racism is something that has always enraged me. How can anyone judge a human being’s goodness on basis of skin color? Is that even true? Is that even realistic? Believe it or not, I have known people who do not like “black’ dogs, who advocate not eating eggplant or drinking cola during pregnancy, else you want your child to be black!

Why is being a dark skinned human being and specially a darker colored girl such a  bad thing in Indian society? Why are we Indians so obsessed with fair skin? Why does being dark diminish what we primarily view as beauty?  Our upbringing has “trained” us what beauty is but we have not been permitted to comprehend it in its profoundness. I have known many Indian men who awkwardly have often passed on a girl just because she was “too dark” inspite of a workable chemistry between them. I often hear the phrase “She is so dark? Yet she is pretty?!”.  Reasonably, we all have physical qualities that we like in members of the opposite sex—it could be their smile, hair color, and certain kind of face/body structure, etc.----it’s normal. But we cannot use discrimination merely on the basis of the skin color to certify a human being’s worth, can we? We ought to start authenticating beauty for what it is and uplift ourselves. 

I am glad Ahaan had the sensibility to ask this question to me. A child will amaze you with a raw diamond, a buried gem sort of a moment that keeps you coming back for more.

Every now and then, from a child’s world, they will raise a magnifying glass into the world of adults to look at what's above. And trust me - When they do ,It's like getting a reality check from the kingdom of innocence.

“Yes Ahaan, we are all the same color from within, actually my son. Laundry is the only thing that should actually be separated by color!”.

The insight of a 3-year old.

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Stop Judging Moms

When you notice my child having a complete throw-down temper tantrum in the mall, stop assuming he is just ill-mannered and throwing a fit because I refuse to buy him something.

When you notice my child howling and me standing there not soothing him, stop assume it’s because I’m a callous parent.

When you notice my child sitting in a posh restaurant playing on my iPhone, stop assuming I am a bad mother who has given all sorts of digital technology to him to keep him busy.

When you notice my child walk through the road with a backpack leash on him, stop assuming it’s because I’m a lethargic mother who can’t manage and tame my toddler.

Mothers - We exist in a reality very diverse from yours.

A mall, where one has to typically walk a lot, my son feels bored too quickly and reacts by screaming, trying to attract my attention because he is too tired/hungry and wants to go home. Why would he be interested in grocery shopping anyways?

When he is crying and distressed, at times it is also because of tiredness or hunger.  For me to yell at him and ask him to be quiet would only make him feel worse.  So I sit next to him.  Not touch him.  Not saying anything.  And wait for him to start to cool down.  Then I quickly try to redeploy his attention on something pleasant for him, just to divert his attention.

You may feel, I spoil him with digital gadgets like iPods etc, but with educative apps loaded with coloring / counting / alphabet games and his favorite videos is an effective escape for him and also something to keep him busy. 

You may think that leashing kids is done by parents who have lost the capacity to control their kids. We are dealing with toddlers – active, always on the run energetic kids. So to leash them in a crowded place is only to assure that they do not get lost while running and playing around

So the next time you notice my child, or  any child for that matter, acting out; the next time you notice parents who are not parenting their kids, the way you think or feel they should; stop and ponder. 

We moms often face incredible burden to make “perfect” parenting choices, only to being criticized by other non-parents and sometimes even parents. From choosing to resume work or what to feed your child, to the best ways to educate and discipline, everybody seems to have an opinion!

Sometimes kids are disorderly, noisy and playful. Sometimes they’re such angels that its hard to believe. However kids are acting in public, let’s leave the judging alone, and offer a sociable, compassionate smile to the pregnant mother who’s trying to finish her grocery list with 2 kids. Let’s learn to laugh when someone else’s kid runs into us when we’re perilously balancing a crate of wine bottles. Let’s just mostly have more pardoning hearts and a sense of fun when it comes to other people’s kids, and leave the parenting to them.

I have no clue about your life.  Please don’t assume you know anything about mine and stop judging me on my parenting skills. Oh, btw do you even have a kid? Ah! I guess not. Because you clearly do not have the courage it takes to mother a child. It entails far more than passing futile judgments. When you judge a person, it doesn’t define who they are. It defines who you are.

PS – This post was driven by a random conversation with colleague who doesn’t have children, actually hates them and yet took the liberty to judge me on my parenting skills.

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A Letter to the Father of my Son

Happy Father's Day

Dear Anshul ~

Life is often demarcated as the existence of vitality in its many complex and radiantly intricate forms. We are only voyagers and bystanders here, carving out and discovering the varied gorgeous ways in which to live our lives to the fullest.

Almost 3 years back, in February I told you that I was expecting. What a day that was!  I still can’t forget your bedazzled and surprised to the hilt expressions. Fast forward 3 years now, and I am astounded at how perfect the love of my life is at being a "Dad".  Many men are fathers.  Some are great at it, others nose-dive completely.  It takes a special something to be a "Dad".  You dove into the parenting furrows with me instantly.  You changed blowout diapers, tried to take vomit in your hands, rocked our son to sleep (even if it was with a non-melodious lullaby you sang!), solaced him when he cried.

I've had the pleasure to watch you evolve as a father and witness your natural capacity to flourish and clasp the “actual things that matter”; sentient time offered to our son, regardless of what kind of day you've had at work and the never-ending to-do items which fall on the sticker every weekend.

You invite our son into your life.  He’s seen you cry.  You've rocked him when he’s cried.  There’s been laughter…immense laughter and glee.  And there’s been the business of smoothly helping him as he’s beginning to steer his own path in life.  The love I see him reciprocate to you is beyond measure.

So, dear husband of mine – I know I don’t say it often, but would like to say it today - “Thank you”.  Thank you for being the Dad you are supposed to be, when several others do not come up to scratch.  I thank you for meeting me midway on life’s greatest escapade and I thank you for being every bit of the dad for our son that my dad has been for me.  Thank you for holding our son when he cries. Thank you for reading him stories with immense fortitude and fervor .Thank you for unwearyingly singing his favorite rhymes over and over and over again.  Thank you for teaching our son how to value the good in life and how to take the bad, with endurance and a hope for a better tomorrow.  For all this, and many many more things- including my own dad (I’m still your little girl who loves to hold your hand, Papa), I am thankful.

Anshul, your cape is not always visible.  You go unappreciated a lot of times.  But as Super dads and Superheros go, you are the best. Happy Father’s Day to the Best Dad my son could ever have.

Now, there's a wriggly spider on the wall, can you take care of that please?

Keep Reading!

Auteur

Letter to the World - On my Son's First Day to School

Dear World,

My son begins his first day at school today. It's going to be unusual
and different to him for a while.
And I hope you would somewhat treat him mildly.
You see, until now, he's been king of the roost.
He's been boss of the yard.
I have constantly been around to fix his pains,
and to pacify his moods.

However from hereon-things will be different.

This morning, he's going to march down the road,
wave goodbye and begin his great escapade
that will doubtless consist of conflicts and heartbreak and distress.

To co-exist and live his life in the world, he will need
belief and affection and valor.

So, Dear World, I hope you would embrace him by his little hand
and explain him the lessons he will have to know. Teach him-but softly, if you can.
Teach him that for each crook there is a superman;
that for each twisted politician there is a devoted leader;
that for each foe there is a friend.
Teach him the miracles of books and show him a whole new world that they can open for him.

Provide him quiet time to wonder about the timeless secret of birds in the sky,
flowers on the distant hill and bees in the sun.
Teach him it is far more worthy to be unsuccessful than to be a cheater.

Teach him to have conviction in his own philosophies,
even if everybody else tells him he is wrong.
Teach him to trade his brawn and brains to the premier bidder,
without ever putting a value on his heart and soul.

Teach him to shut his ears to a wailing multitude...
and to stand and combat if he believes he's right.

Teach him softly, Dear World, but don't cosset him,
because fine steel is made through test of fire.

Dear World, I trust you.

I am giving you my heart and soul – My boy.

Keep Reading!

Auteur