Teaching my son how to fail

Recently the board results were announced in India and my social media updates have been brimming with the stories about all the winners – interviews with them and their families on how they achieved success. A 22 year old Delhi girl in India, has recently cracked the Union Public Service Commission exam in the first attempt and there have been tons of articles on “How to achieve success”. While, I appreciate and marvel these winning kids, but can’t help but think about the kids who did not do so well – the back-benchers, the less favorites, the average scorers? A child who secured 70% or lesser grades may have a better understanding of a few subjects than all and the ones who score 99% who may just be able to memorize well. But do we ever think like that?

Failure is agonizing. But it’s not as painful as watching your kid fail. It’s not just that parents are naturally automated to care about them. We surely want them to be successful, partially so they have a great life and partially because, honestly, their accomplishments echoes well on us.

I know of several parents ( in my own social circle) who go great lengths to make sure their child excels in everything – sport, studies, extra-curricular activities – almost everything! A mother I know has even beaten her child for not being able to write (at the age of 4+) because the mother’s life constantly revolves around competing with fellow kids.  That was an extreme case, but a common one with many parents I know, but I can’t help but wonder that as parents gradually navigate their kids’ lives so that they evade failure, those kids lose a significant life skill, and one they will certainly require later: how to discover the courage and inspiration to recoup and get up again. So how do you help your children fail, or rather, how do you help your children cope with failure?

I noticed a few months ago that my 5 year old son was getting very used to things going his way - and devoid of adequate effort on his part. There were some sulky moments even when I cycled home faster than him. Other days, it was some other form of a race, which he would be losing. Some of this is age, some of this is situation, and some of it may just be fluke. As much as I love seeing him prosper and thrive in all he attempts, I became a little anxious at times. He was getting very smug and blasé about various accomplishments. He had started to develop a bit of an overfed ego. He evidently needed bigger challenges. As it occurred, I had a frequently arranged meeting with his kindergarten teacher, and brought this up. She told me that boys, in general have this “urge to win” more than girls (driven by her years of experience with children). We decided that challenging my son a little more in some other areas would be apposite - that possibly having to work a little harder in few other areas could help his complete outlook. While we would never set him up to fail deliberately, if, in these bigger challenges, he failed in some way, it possibly would be a "good" thing - good for him to comprehend that one can't always get what they want, good for him to have to attempt a little harder to be successful, and good for him to value the successes he has had - and we would let it to happen rather than intrude.

We worked on ways for him to deal with this constant pressure of winning. To my surprise, his teacher recently informed me how when other kids in the kindergarten were instigating each other about how they came “first in drinking water”, when my son coolly retorts – “Okay! Ich genieße mein Wasser” (its fine. I am enjoying my water”). Made me smile a bit.  Getting kids to cast themselves in their own story helps kids remember what they contemplate success and prompts them what their goals are. We don’t want to be victims in the narrative. We don’t even want to be heroes in a narratives.  We want to be the writer of the story. And we can’t do that lest we own the story and dig into it.

Childhood drifts away rapidly. We do our children a huge disfavor when we don’t provide them with the sensitive, psychological and physical liberty to simply be kids; prospective grown-ups with training wheels. Several children today are growing up feeling the persistent force to excel. No wonder that by the time many are in their teenage years, they choose to give up on sports all together rather than risk the humiliating verdict of over bearing, insecure and self-doubting parents who need to prove themselves through their children. Which is why as parents we need to motivate our children to play for the sake of playing and learn for the sake of learning, not for the sake of the applause it may bring along.

I believe that the most prosperous grown-ups are seldom those whose childhoods were one long twine of triumphs, awards and highest scores. Rather they’re people who’ve had their share of failures, wounds and combats along their trail to adulthood. They’ve discovered that failure is an experience not a person, have put up the gravel and self-assurance to follow aspiring goals that motivate them. They are sure competitive and play to win, but results don’t define them. Their scores don’t define them. They define themselves.

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Some lessons for you Son, while you're growing up!

Seemingly women  aren’t the only ones affected by gender disparity—we all are—and it is up to me to do everything I can to confront the continual cordon of pigeon-holes, prejudices and disproportion that society throws at kids right from when they are born. It is up to us to make sure that the teachings of feminism and gender equality (and all types of fairness, for that matter) are so intensely entrenched in our family’s core that they brim over gradually and persistently. There is no dearth of lists on feminist teachings for young girls, but while many things on these types of lists are unanimously pertinent, as a mom to a boy, I wanted to pen down a few things, I’d always want my son to remember while he grows up to be a “man”.

Dear Ahaan,

1.       Feminism does not imply “womanly”. It means egalitarianism. Equality beyond gender.

2.       Being a boy doesn’t imply you cannot be a feminist. Neither does liking cars and planes and action movies.

3.       It’s OKAY to cry. It always is. The phrase “you are crying like a girl” does not hold any meaning. Respect your emotions and let them out.

4.       Befriend girls. Conquer your shyness and reticence. I befriended boys and some of my best friends are boys. It doesn’t really matter.  

5.       Girls can like superheroes, cars and Transformers, just like boys can like princess stories, Dora and kitchen set. I will never feel embarrassed for gifting you a kitchen set on your 4^th birthday. Just goes to show you will be a caring man when you grow up.

6.       The expressions “like a man” and “like a girl” hold no real significance really.  Learn to snub them.

7.       Be resilient and sensitive; remember - the two are not discordant.

8.       Open doors for women. And also men, as a matter of fact. Not because of any chauvinist customs, but just because holding the door is thoughtful and respectful. It is just politeness. Similarly, push in your chair after meals and put the toilet seat down.

9.       “No” just means NO. Silence also means no. And “perhaps” also means no. Always remember that only “yes” means yes.

10.   Surround yourself with individuals who let you to be your best self. Be cautious of people who want to modify you.

11.   Always – Always remember this - Equal work justifies equal reimbursement; equal reimbursement necessitates equal work.

12.   Your sex does not describe you. Neither does your profession or the money in your bank nor your fancy car. Be compassionate and courageous, be a loyal friend and a hard worker and treat everyone with respect—those are the merits that will describe you.

13.   When you get married, your wife may or may not fix your last name after her first. Neither choice has anything to do with how much she loves you – Remember that and cherish it. Surnames do not love people. People love people.

14.   Don’t ever forget that there are more ways to support your family than monetarily.

15.   Being a stay-at-home parent is tougher than all the jobs in the world combined, irrespective of its lack of a remuneration.

16.   Contrary to the popular belief, always remember that men are capable of changing a nappy, making the bed, ironing the clothes, and tending to other household chores and child-raising activities.

17.   Don’t hesitate in apologizing. It is not a symbol of softness, but a valiant act of bravery and courage.

18.   Don’t ever take for granted the privileges you are blessed with—whether monetary, scholastic, cultural, social or otherwise

19.   Be thoughtful, compassionate, sensitive and empathetic.

20.   There may be differences between the two genders – a man and a woman—just like there are dissimilarities between all living beings. Remember, that’s a good thing! Avoid overanalyzing this. And don’t fear the differences; revel in them.

My dear son, these lessons, are meant for you - not essentially because I want to protect you, but just because they are important for equality, impartiality and respect. I have faith they can change the world—one step at a time.

My love for you, always.

Mom

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Life Lessons by a 4 year old : What kids teach us

How many days a week do you feel like life is just too complicated – Be honest? I guess even if it isn't, it doesn't take us long to make things complicated by our own free will. We human beings just have this inherent capacity to ramp up everything to the next level.  

For the past few months, I have been a stay at home mom – yet again. I do miss my working days, but spending time with my son seems like a big consolation prize for this trade off. Some days have been overwhelming in fact – settling in a new place – a new country with no knowledge of their language. It’s natural to feel lost at times. However, I have my son – to teach me simple things about life.

Don’t we teach our children everything we can think of? From tying shoelaces to crossing the road safely to ride a bike or not to talk to strangers. But have you ever pondered on the ways our children inspire us? Here are some, that I could think of – even if you try one per week, it will be a good start – trust me on that.

Start Afresh!

Do you recall that wonderful feeling at the end of a term at school or the summer break – didn't it always feel so final, so finished? The holidays between May and July seemed like a lifetime. Because when we are young, each day feels like an infinity and a new day means new prospects to make new friends, discover new adventures, learn new things. Children don't carry baggage from one day to the next. They start fresh, always. My son has been made to first leave his friends in US and then in India. But he seems to have no qualms. He already has a “BFF” here in Germany. See? It’s easy to always start afresh.

Creative quests are fun

How often do you see children losing themselves in a creative project for hours at a time? My son spends hours in drawing, coloring, building his garden of dinosaurs, constructing a sandcastle in the play area with scrupulous attention to detail. I wonder why, for some odd reason, as we get older, we stop seeing creative activities as worthy? How many of you, leaving aside if you are an artist, draw regularly – or sometimes maybe? How many of you play with clay or finger paint just for the fun of it? How many of you pursue your hobby? I recently began my buried love for painting.

Be brave

My son sings out loud when he wants to. He dances when he feels like. I guess his life feels unbounded. This is because unlike us, children are not confined by fears of failure or embarrassment. They march forward with confidence and fortitude because they don't know any better. They haven't been beaten down, they haven't undergone failure. They embrace life and all it has to offer with open arms.

Laugh – a lot!

My son laughs – and laughs a lot. He tells me a funny story and expects me to laugh with him. But he doesn’t care, even if I don’t. He can laugh on the same joke a million times saying “Mamma it’s so funny!” .Children have the beautiful gift of finding joy all around them. I mean, as adults what is it that you would find funny in a smashed cupcake or hide and seek game every night before you go to bed? They see madness everywhere. And I guess it’s better to be mad sometimes – or perhaps always?

Cherish friendship

Like I mentioned earlier, my son spent only 2 and a half years in USA, but he made lots of friends whom he misses even now. Then he made new friends in India, after which we moved to Germany. While he misses his friends, but it took him just a month here to make new friends. He hasn’t even started school yet. Children find true joy while playing with friends and they love making new ones. They join football teams, go to a birthday parties, and start new schools. These are all ways that children make new friends. They adhere to the motto, "the more the merrier," and adults should, as well.

Be the hero

Have you ever noticed that when a kid tells you a story about his school or a conversation with his friend, or the play area, they are usually the hero of their story? Seems like the entire world revolves around them. As we grow old, we don't want to be snobbish or egocentric, so we often modulate our accomplishments and successes. We don't want to boast. At least some of us don’t want to? But in doing so, we often slip to the side of self-disapproval. We put ourselves down to make others feel better or to be more relatable. Humility becomes an admirable trait and we start to persuade ourselves of our own mediocrity. Learn from the wisdom of a child. Be the hero of your story.

Scars are symbols of honor    

Remember, when we were children and broke a bone, everyone we knew signed the cast? We become the superstar of the class – or better put - the “survivor”. I notice the same with children today also. If they fall down and cut themselves, everyone wants to see the scar, they wear it pompously. As we age, we hide our scars, our injuries (and I am not referring to physical wounds) become our secrets. We are scared to be seen as feeble or commiserated, so we tell no one where it hurts and how much it hurts. However, what I learn from my own son is to recognize is that scars aren't signs of weakness, a scar is in fact a sign of strength and survival – utmost endurance. A story to tell. An achievement.

Try new things

Children are never afraid to play a sport they have never tried before. They will jump on a trampoline, dive into a pool or ski down a mountain even if it is alien to them. As grown-ups, we fear the unknown. We stay securely entrenched in our comfort zone and seldom venture out. Adventure stimulates us and awakens the spirit. Sky diving and bungee jumping still remain to be on my bucket list, thus.

Observe and cherish the little things

My nephew loves watching the waves of the sea run back and forth at the water's edge. He notices how fast his feet get buried in the sand, as the water moves along the sand. Something simple that we take for granted brings him immense joy and he could spend hours playing with those waves. Ever wondered how and when did we stop noticing the petite miracles that surround us daily?

A trek in the woods overpowers the iPad any day!  

The latest gadgets and video games simply cannot replace the natural visuals, the full-sensory experience, or the relationship of a family walk through the forests. Never have, never will. And for that matter, nothing else produced on television can compete either. So turn off that 42 inch LED TV. Go outside. Live life, don’t just watch it on your little iPad.

Maybe children are in this world because we as grown-ups have so much left to unlearn and relearn.

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