And its your birthday again...

And it’s your birthday again today. You would have been 62 today.

And the festivals have just passed again this year without you. It’s been 6 years but since you are gone, but your absence is starker now.

And then suddenly, your memories keep bouncing back each day – when mom makes “kalhaare aalu”( potato with tomatoes) as you liked it, or when the mango season arrives, or whenever I see Ahaan relishing non veg food, or when I look at your grandsons playing with each other. Because you would have loved this. But you are not here. And only we – who are left behind - feel that loss. The desolation of experiences without the pleasure of your reaction to them.

And its stands true that when time passes, our memories congeal less into what they truly were, and more into how we wish to recollect them. It is not the dwindling of memory like an old photograph that gets pale with edges curled and tatty but rather, the spurt of a photographic flash, dazzling and brilliant with a flash, the colors too brassy.

The memories offend the heart and the mind because they are just too much to take in and instead of the anguish settling low, it froths up anew at the strangest of times.

And for me, this year is the toughest.

For this is the longest I have stayed with maa after my marriage. And everything in this house reminds me of you – as if you are here. Because had you been here, Ahaan would have dotted on you. Because we would’ve had a family dinner tonight at your favorite restaurant.

Because, coming back home would have relieved my stress completely . You would’ve been both compassionate and impartial. You would’ve had insight and reassurance, for those were two of your greatest gifts. Because you would’ve been proud of me, of my work, of my dreams, of whatever shabby but a good mom that I have grown to be. You would’ve boasted and written down my blog address for everyone who would stand still long enough and doled out my business card to everyone - leaving me mortified.

Because your grandsons would’ve made you cards and drawn you pictures and you would’ve reached for your spectacles, while they climbed on your lap, and you would have loved every moment you looked at all three of them.

Because maa has been very strong and brave -  like she has been her entire life -  but sometimes it is all too much and she seems lost without you. Because no one can fill the void you have left.

Because ultimately you would exasperate us all and we would sigh in frustration and never know how much we would miss your annoying habits when you were gone.

Because like every year – I miss you a lot Papa.

Because I love you – like I always did.

And it’s your birthday again today.

Happy Birthday, Papa

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