They say, There is a purity in tears.
For they are not a symbol of limitation, but of power.
They speak more fluently as compared to ten thousand languages.
They are envoys of overpowering grief ...
and unspeakable love.
We do not exist in a vacuum or by ourself on a deserted island, even if our heartache makes us believe we do. We live as a thread in a web of life that extends extensively and touches many. What impacts us affects others too. Grief is, conversely, such a dominant force in our lives that we can, for a moment, become weak and feeble.
At 93 years of age my Amma’s ( My grandmother) memory is fading, and she no more knows who we are . Amma has stopped recognizing all of us.
“Amma can you hear me,” I say to her on phone.” It’s me, Manasi!” It’s your granddaughter.
And Amma speaks in her feeble weak voice “Manasi”, unsure of who I was.
At age 93 nonetheless, the light in her eyes began to grow fainter until soon we understood that she no more knows who we were.
At 93, Amma’s physical health has deteriorated and a nursing home is her abode for the last few days. I am not able to envisage her situation right now seated so far , but when my mother tells me her state , I am left in utter distress. We know she’s going away. My once healthy and robust Amma has shrunken to a feeble few pounds. Her lips are tightly sealed shut.
Grief is a tough time for anyone to go through. As we cry and see her in pain, gawkily, unaware of how to say goodbye.
I close my eyes and envisage my Amma’s empty eyes. And all of a sudden, her eyes focus and she looks at me. I see a light of acknowledgment glimmer momentarily as she stares into my eyes. I want to hold her close, cling on to her and tell her how much I love her and want to be with her. She opens her tightened lips and whispers, “Don’t be scared.I will be around.”
Then the light weakens and she gazes at space.
Seated at a distance so far, I know I will never get to experience the resonance of my Amma’s voice, the beauty of her reassuring smile and the affection of her warm embrace. The pathway of grief is complex , throbbing and forlorn. It is testing to be aware about what to do or how to do it. In seeking equilibrium in our grief, we generate the trail.
Thank your God, that you have been secured on this day, then find your loved ones and don’t shy away in telling them how important they are to you and how much you love them - while you can...
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2 comments:
Sad but serene thoughts. We all know there is an end, and the best way to acknowledge that is to be grateful for the 'present' that we do have. Keep writing...
@ Tanu - True, more than the turmoil to see your loved ones in pain, is the stressful feeling of not being able to reach to them to see them, talk to them, tell them how much you love them - one last time. Distances hurt in such instances. But such is life and there is little we can do about it. Instead of just cherishing the moments we have Today - with people we love. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts :-)
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